Whose blame is it anyway? Why internet censorship is not the answer

November 28, 2011 § 16 Comments

What is wrong with internet censorship? Not an article on the rights and wrongs of suicide, and not a platform for debate on whether or not a person has the right to take his or her own life; instead, it is one that seeks to understand how and why we have come to arrive at a culture more focused on seeking to blame following tragedy, than preventing it.

An Essex mother has called for suicide help websites to be banned, after her 22-year old son was found to have taken his life. Stephen was said to have been found dead in the home that he shared with his father, after he allegedly consulted a suicide help site for ‘an unusual method of suicide’, by using a helium canister. I was first alerted to this story whilst watching Channel  5’s news program as I waited to have my hair done at the hairdressers. Following a factual report of her son’s tragic passing, Stephen’s mother expressed her belief that her son would still be here, had he not had access to instructions on how to commit suicide on the internet. I have issues with this line of reasoning. Firstly, people have been seeking to end, and more importantly, ending their lives, long before the invention of the internet, and often without ‘instruction’. Yes, it might help to know how others have gone about doing so successfully, with as little room for error and/or pain as possible, but it is generally something that can be achieved without instruction. What is also interesting is that the method Stephen used was an unusual one. The report remarks on the ‘unusual method’ Stephen used, as if to claim that idea of suicide itself was planted in his head by the website, and that without its influence, he would not have been able to achieve what he did. Might it just be that Stephen didn’t want his death to look like a suicide, was already certain of what he wished to end his life, with or without help, and that his research was purely for the sake of finding a way to eliminate all elements of suspicion surrounding it? It isn’t uncommon for people contemplating suicide to want to cover up how it is they died, especially when they’ve also been trying to conceal any signs of depression in the lead up to ending their lives. Understandably, Stephens parents were shocked by the whole ordeal and that say his suicide was unusual because he ‘seemed happy’. Let us not forget that it is not uncommon for depressed/suicidal people to try and cover up how they’re feeling. His ‘laughter and lighting up the room’, as described by his father, could have been an overt mask, one that helped to cover up how he truly felt.

We find it very difficult to talk about and confront mental illness – depression in particular. People diagnosed with depression are stigmatised for pretty much the rest of their lives, and receiving help is, in my opinion, more difficult than it could be. Support from family and friends is virtually non-existent for many, and the arrival of the internet, has brought with it a platform for vulnerable members of society to find and support each other. There are forums for drug users, forums for people who participate in obscure sexual activities, forums for people who want to discuss and further their eating disorders – it is now easier than ever to connect with the people who used to be leagues away, and no longer do people have to feel as if they are battling problems alone and living amongst people who cannot relate to them. This, I believe, is why suicide websites, websites that support people with eating disorders, carry so much appeal. They’re ‘answers’ to the societal problems we are too afraid to discuss, and explore, in an effort to come up with supportive, if not preventative measures for.

‘But isn’t Stephen’s mum’s call for a ban on suicide websites a preventative method?’ You may say. Not directly, no. What I believe is wrong with censorship, is that in many, if not most cases, it’s akin cutting off the limbs of a tree with diseased roots, hoping that the tree will be cured of all afflictions. This, coupled with the fact that the majority of cries for censorship, seem to be for materials on issues we, as a society, find hard to swallow, or admit are major problems in the first place. Take, for example, the calls in Turkey to censor pornographic websites –  it is no secret that western society struggles to find a place, in itself, for finding comfort in discussing and embracing human sexuality. Or take the calls to censor sites related to Nazism and holocaust denial in France, again, topics seemingly still worthy of debate, but forever tiptoed around, for fear of offending the people directly and indirectly affected by them.

There are, then, of course automatic and unquestionable censors put in place, and these include censors on things like child-pornography, which, interestingly, is something that there is a majority agreement on the need for. It’s interesting because it’s one of those ‘yes-it should-be-censored-without-a-doubt’ areas, simply because it’s horrific. I don’t for a second doubt that it is, but wasn’t murder and brutal violence once abhorred in exactly the same way? One now only has to pop in a DVD with a little red circle in the right hand corner of the box to be in for a ‘thrilling’, and often said to be ‘exhilarating’, gruesome viewing experience. Surely this shift in what does and doesn’t qualify as viewing pleasure will happen with issues currently in the greyer areas of our moral spectrum?

Similar to suicide help websites, there are websites that help to support people with eating disorders. These are places where people with eating disorders can come and discuss successful methods of starvation, ways to combat the side-effects (for lack of a better word) of starvation, and how successful their weigh-ins have been for them, week by week, or month by month. Calls for a ban of these websites have been pushed with the same zeal as this Stephen’s mother’s call for a ban on suicide sites, and I cannot help but feel that it’s yet another example of society looking for someone to blame when it should be focusing on ways to support vulnerable people, or even encourage or positively  subdue curiosity in the case of the young. Eating disorders, depression, suicidal thoughts – they’re never going to go away, particularly not if we keep shying from tackling them head on, instead of alienating the people who carry them. Treating them as and labelling them pathetic victims, and then fleeing for fear of becoming contaminated by them.

Finally, how long will it be before we stop looking for ‘agents’ to blame? In 2009, Daniel Petric was found guilty of shooting his parents because they wouldn’t let him play Halo 3, a first-person video game in which the player must shoot and kill enemies. The story was met with claims that such games are too graphic and violent, and influence children and young people to become so. It’s much more likely that there had been a relationship breakdown between Daniel and his parents, and that he was battling issues few could provide him with the support for.  Is this, then an illustration of a shift in parental authority to state authority? Is it a sign that because we yield to and seek State authority where it should not be filling in for self-sufficiency, subsequently, parents seek to hand, or shall I say, cast their parental responsibility over to the State? Where things do go horribly wrong, rather than question parenting and support methods, instead censorship is enforced, and laws on entertainment are questioned. People call for a ban on things that very many people can enjoy without suffering ill-effects on their characters.

Ultimately, the sooner we stop looking for outlets to pin the blame on, and the sooner we realise that malicious people, the creators of these sites, are always going to exploit the vulnerable positions of those we are too fearful to help ourselves, we can perhaps work towards not being afraid to ask the questions we so clearly need answers to, in order arrive at conclusions that deal with the root of our problems. It is tragic that lives have been and will continue to be lost as we try to fight these problems head on, but at some point, we need to start digging for roots, rather than lopping off branches.


You probably have nothing nice to say, so try saying nada.

March 20, 2011 § 2 Comments

I just purchased my iTunes copy of ‘Rebecca Black – Friday’. I couldn’t stop myself.  It’s BRILLIANT. I can’t contain it. Sure, it’s nonsensical, but it’s fun nonsense. It is blissfully, unadulterated fun. It’s the sort of thing you listen to while rallying up excitement for something or other….exciting. Gosh, I really should have a little flash music box playing the song on loop as you read this. I don’t kid.

I just don’t understand the stick it’s getting from some of the corners it’s getting it from. Sure, the writing is on a par with a crayon-chewing, sand-pit-diving, coat button-munching pre-schooler, but who cares? It’s not a song to be listened to for divine deliverance from emotional trauma, it’s a Friday night, adrelinaline pumping jingle, something you listen to in passing, on a semi-conscious level, paying no particular attention to the lyrics, just the hook. Something you below into your hairbrush. I’m trying incredibly hard to think back to a time where ‘The Macerena’ was all that plagued the dancefloors, for the 100,000,000 person strong horde of party goers who stopped and put down their glasses to slate the song for its nonsensically simple lyrics, and alas, to my memory I can draw none. What I do remember, though, is that DESPITE the fact people were singing along to something that was written in aanguage they themselves couldn’t understand seemed to be OKAY for them, even if there was a possibility that they could have been chiming along to something barely any less intellectually simulating than ‘I tickle, my elbows,  I tickle my elbows, I swing my hips, I swing my hips, Oh how I love to watch you stare as I tickle my elbows’. Then, we have the ‘grime-heads’ who pumped their fists and flung themselves haphazardly across dancefloors in 2005 to Lethal B’s ‘Pow (Forward Riddim)’ and didn’t seem to care much for the ridiculous ‘I’ll bring arms house to your mums house’ and everything painfully nauseatingly similar. No. Every thing has a target audience, and anomalies like me aside,  young teens are the target audience on this occasion. This is who it is inteded for and low and behold, these are the people who make up the majority of those who enjoy it. If you are not part of the intended target audience, I’m not sure why it should suprise you that you don’t like it. There are tons of things you dislike, it’d be incredibly sad and unreasonable of you to spend your time systmatically calling upon and slating all of them. You realise this, so you generally don’t.

This song really is receiving criticism on all levels. People have even gone as far as to send death threats to Rebecca, whom, may I add is 13 years old. Last time I checked, parents were berating the music scene and those who frequent it, for their sexually explicit, violence drenched, child innapropriate lyrics and the blatantly pornographic videos that accompany them. Isn’t Friday’ exactly what they’re been screaming for? Isn’t it the innocently cheesy piece of pop that will invariably keep their kiddies the little saints they’ve been crying out with vehement desperation for them to stay? Isn’t this what they’ve longed for? Now that they’ve got it, surprise surprise, they’re not pleased. They think that it’s trash. Then you have the adults (who probably aren’t parents themselves), who blasted her with such hateful comments as ‘I hope you go cut [yourself] and die.’ Now, crap lyrics aside but when did it ever become okay to spit such unwarranted hate at anyone? Particularly a thirteen year old tying nothing more than to have the world dancing in ecstacy with her? So you hate the song? Great. Don’t play it, don’t listen to it, don’t watch the video on YouTube, but if  even the very last three of your periliously diseased braincells had any fight left in them, you’d realise that’s it’s near impossibly stupid to have hatred for someone who a) had no contribution whatsoever to the making of the song and b) is in no way personally  associated with something intend for nothing more than light entertainment.

Now I’m not saying that the song is written well, I’d have a painfully loud, and impossibly hard time advocating the fact that I think it is, if, of course, I actually thought so, but I think that this is the point that everybody is missing. There has been a history of basic, bare-lyricked pop-songs that a lot of people have welcomed with open arms, because they understand that what the song is trying for is not to be ingeniously ground-breaking in that sense, but to enable them to have a damned good time.  I’m not entirely sure why this one should be any different. It seems that the people who won’t let what the song is lacking lyrically go are those who aren’t particularly Mensa worthy themselves, can barely string five fitting words together or spell out anything remotely fridge-magnet worthy. They are the people who flock to anything containing any element of anything below the pitiful standards of what they themselves are capable of, slate it, and revel in the negativity that encompasses it, using it boost their own feathered and frayed self-esteems. It’s a case of  ‘I can do little good myself, but look at her, what can she do that I can’t? Nothing. She probably can’t even do what i can. What is she playing at? ‘ These people are poison and can’t wait to infect anyone who dares to cross their paths.  They don’t realise that it isn’t the Rebecca Blacks who are inhibiting their own chances at success, it isn’t the Rebecca Blacks who are moving the goalposts they shoot for in trying to attain their dreams. It’s themselves. They don’t realise that time and effort spent trying to spark the downfall of another, is time and effort wasted, time and effort they will never ever get back, that could have been invested in themselves.

I don’t understand why people can’t leave all of the 13 year olds in the world to flick their hair, swing their arms in air, kick their legs and jump up and down, whilst belting out ‘IT’S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY’, all in the name of fun.

I don’t understand why people won’t leave me to do the same.

She’s Somehwere Embedded In All Of You

February 5, 2011 § 1 Comment

Last night, I settled down to watch the movie ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’. As the movie progressed, I grew more and more intrigued by and attached to  its female charcters, identifying traits in them that I see in me and those females around me. Here is a summary of how these characters spoke to me.

Anna: Miss Cool and collected

Miss Cool is exactly what it says on the label. She’s effortlessly smart, effortlessly funny, witty, looks good, smells good, laughs good – she never seems to have an off day. She just lures the men in, without appearing to be putting in any effort at all. She is wholly representative of all the fun him and his wife had, all those years back. She is a new start, ‘fresh’, in every sense of the word.  An Anna is void of Any sign that she cares in the slightest.

Beneath the hard exterior of an Anna, is a girl who just wants to be loved. She’s not quite sure how  to return the love that she desires.

In some varieties of Anna, she’s nice enough (well, ‘enough’ makes it sound like a positive). She’s just nice okay, too nice. She’s so unable to say no, that any guy that’s into her who she doesn’t feel the same way about, she can’t let them down. She can’t ease them off. She can’t even do it gently, she just leaves them sort of trailing around after her, like an imprinted duckling.

The other variety of Anna is of course a total b*tch (cow: for those of you who don’t like explicit language). She has a string of guys trailing behind her, DESPITE the fact that she’s incredibly cold towards them. For some reason, they just can’t find her bitchiness a good enough reason to pack up their dignity & self-respect, turn and leave.

Movie Example:  Anna is being pursued by a guy she later admits is trying to provide her with ‘everything a girl would want’. He isn’t enough and instead, she is charmed and impartial to a bit of Janine’s husband. He’s drawn to her ‘cool girl’ qualities, just like the guy in pursuit of her was.

Janine: Miss Control

Miss Control wants everything just right. Every fine detail, just perfect: in line with her vision. This is often because in her stack of failed relationships, has emerged either a pattern of failing factors, or just a collective of them (depending on how anal she may or may not be). She noticed a number of things, nuances that she will never again stand for. In her sleepless nights, filled with tears and rallied self-hatred, she’s convinced herself that if she truly loves herself, she’ll never cave under any of the bullshit she’s caved under before. She just won’t allow it. A Janine knows what she wants and owes it to herself to ensure that she gets it.

One variety of Janine will not be concerned with what other, more generic girls (see below) will not stand for. Often the cheating, the laziness, things that ALL girls encounter at least once in their dating lives, she will allow. She’ll compromise them, because she knows that the breeching of them are not as big a deal as the principles she holds dear. THESE are the ones a Janine will not stand for.

Movie example: Janine’s husband voluntarily admits to her that he has slept with another woman. After reeling in shock at this revelation, she proceeds to question something she’s been badgering him about a lot recently: whether or not he has begun smoking again, because her father died of lung cancer and it is simply not something that she can sit and watch him do. She is willing to assess her role as wife to locate where she’s gone wrong, to turn him to sleeping with another woman, and she tries to put things right, but when she discovers cigarettes around the house and in his clothes, she asks him for a divorce.

Beth : Miss Generic

Generic girl panicks when her relationship doesn’t coincide with societies relationship blueprint. She hates it when it steers off course, doesn’t map out the same. All she really wants, in her generic girl mind is the movies, the dinners, the gifts, the phonecalls, him to say ‘I love you first’, the holding hands in front of his friends – the proposition. She looks around at what other girls have, what seems to be the ‘model relationship’, and all she wants is this for herself. Her demans are pretty low in value, just to feel like his ‘one and only’. It’s all her way of preparing for a wedding day – the day society tells her is supposed to be the most important day of her life.

Many varities of Beth are unable to embrace everything he’s got spot on in the relationship. Everything she should appreciate him for, the little things, but she doesn’t because she’s so caught up in the fact that he won’t display his love conventionally, through marriage.

Movie Example: Beth’s long-term partner of 7 years loves her. He’s unquestionably committed to her and has worked hard to build a stable home and life with her. Beth’s sister is due to be married and she is caught up in the realization that she is the only of her friends who is not married. She asserts that because he won’t marry her, he can’t love her the way he’s supposed to.

Gigi: Miss Chaser  (formerly named ‘Miss Pushy’, but I didn’t want you to get her confused with controlling girl :()

Miss chaser is a full-on type of gal. Often open to anything. She puts herself way ,way out there. She doesn’t abide by ‘relationship laws & rules’ and is on the most part, genuine. She is convinced that her honesty and openness will one day be appreciated if she just perseveres’

A Gigi will chase the guy that she can probably admit to her herself somewhere deep-down, that he’s either not that interested, or not quite as interested as she is’.  She will hang in there, because she has faith that she can change him. That she’ll one day be good enough for him.

One variety of Gigi often stops herself in the realization that she often feels as if she’s never been and will never be good enough for anybody, often because she gives all of herself from the very beginning. She is unsure of how to gradual ease her and her potential partner in, and instead, bares all, convinced that there are no rules except to be honest, open and forward. She’s seen it work to many ‘exceptions’, and believes that she too can be one of them.

Movie Example: Gigi throws herself at her dates, so much so that they lose interest so rapidly that they don’t bother to follow-up call her for a second date. She wants too much, too fast, and I am convinced it’s in a plight to quell her insecurities. Instead of sitting back, letting things naturally progress and enjoying the ride, she wants it all – now.

Gigi then meets Alex, who she stumbles across while ‘casually passing by’ the favourite hang out spot of a guy she recently dated, who hasn’t yet called her back, hoping to bump into him. Alex teaches her that he just isn’t interested in seeing her again, and how he knows this. In the weeks that follow, Alex spends time offering Gigi advice on how to tell if her dates are interested are not. Why she gets them, but cannot keep them. Gigi, eventually mistakes Alex’s spending time with her, for signs that he like her, and inevitably comes on to him, too fast and too strong. Alex soon realizes that he has infact been won over by Gigi’s honesty, he was just having trouble admitting it to himself through fear of letting his own barriers down.

Girl 5: Mrs Perfect

This girl (insert name) Gets it all right. Well, she does doesn’t she? She knows when to call, when not to call. When to apologise. What shit to take and what shit not to take. Hell, she’s so perfect he doesn’t even give her any shit to take. Like an Anna she looks, smells and is great; like a Janine she banks on attaining what’s best for herself; like a Beth ,she’s envisioned the path to marriage and happiness, but because she’s perfect girl, she’s on it and like the chaser, she knows exactly when to be open and because she’s perfect girl, she’s revelled for it. She’s the girl every guy wishes he’d met first.

The most striking things about Mrs Perfect is that she doesn’t even exist. She’s just an ideal albeit one people have conjured into relative believability. She lives in the deepest depths of his dreams and in your fears.

I am a Kayla: Somewhere on my path to self-discovery, I have been a Gina. I have been and still am a Janine, I’m just trying to ward her negative aspects away and cultivate in myself a self-love that is unrivalled, yet respectable. I have never been an Anna. Something I feel every girl who isn’t one wants to try to pull off. This was me, until I realised that the safer option was to just be thankful for me. Never been interested in being a Beth, although I show some signs of possessing a few of her qualities. Like Beth, I am big on displays and big on reassurance, something I hope to rise above, on my journey.

It’s probably very likely that no girl will ever fit neatly into one category, and there are many more categories. These are just the ones that called out to me, through inspiration from watching the movie. What’s proabably more realistic, is that there is an Anna, a Janine, a Beth & a Gigi somewhere in the best of us. The rest of you, well you’re either Mrs Perfects or the exception. For those who can be honest and open with themselves, strengths and flaws – no compromisations, Mrs Perfect has nothing on you. You’re all winners.

Love Kayla xxx

Why Kat Stacks’ Feelings Probably Aren’t That Hurt

November 5, 2010 § Leave a comment

Feelings. Funny little things, aren’t they? Catch hold of a person’s feelings and manipulate them, and power and mercy are yours for the taking. But what happens when all your attempts at doing so come crashing down, right before your very eyes?

Day in, day out, I spy people’s failed attempts to ‘hurt Kat Stacks’ feelings’. Well, it’s a guess on what they’re trying to achieve; I could be wrong, but *glances at nails and then looks back up at you*, meh, I’m probably not. Now, on Kat’s side of the ocean, and from the view I’ve got right here, from my computer chair, she looks pretty darn dandy to me.

In case all of this is foreign to you, and in case you’re not sure of what’s going on, the sequence of events (every single time), goes a little like this: Kat tweets something controversial, either related to her controversial actions or not (yes, Kat tweets something controversial – this bit is important!) and then 9/12 people will @reply her something ‘insulting’ and uncouth – Because Kat has tweeted something controversial. On her own accord. Yes. Kat, as a result of her controversiality *emails editors of the next Oxford Dictionary publication* is lapping up the photoshoots, the interviews and has amassed a sum of money great enough to afford her the luxurt of buttocks implants.

Wanna move on to the successes of those who hate her?


Bob, has 1 retweet; Sue, has 3; and Olu, has 7. Yes, 7 whole retweets and his girlfriend is still mad at him. His girlfriend is still mad at him and his assignment lays, unfinished on his desk. It is 3.33am, and it is due in at 12pm tomorrow. Kat Stacks’ buttocks are drawing media attention and filling her account and Olu’s assignment, the thing that will contibute to what puts bread on his table in years to come, remains unfinished, and it’s 3.33am.

Let’s play a game. If A = Angie, B= Bob, O= Olu, K= Kat, and X= Feelings hurt; and


Who gets to keep and take home X?

Ask people their reasons for trying ocrack Kat and they’ll tell you something along the lines of ‘she’s a whore’,’she has a son’ or, if you’re lucky ‘she’s a whore with a son’. She’s not the first whore in histroy, she’s not the last, and her dealings have no direct, or indirect, effects on people’s lives – whatsoever. What’s most interesting to me, is the fabrications that arise from people relating to how Kat’s controversial dealings will supposedly end life as we know it, and reverse the big bang that put us here (this isn’t a debate about how we got here so shut up). Kat’s dealings are, albeit, debatably immoral, yes, but so are the AC scams these individuals indulge in. So are the drug-dealing activities these people condone.

Yes, Kat’s parenting skills may leave a son with a tainted image of ‘what a woman should be’, but he’s alive and there’s probably still food on his plate and kisses on his forehead at night. Even if it is with that mouth.

How can you be sure that the money obtained from your latest fraudulent event hasn’t left a family with no heat this winter?

Kat, and her son? Yup, they’re pretty darn dandy for now, and you know what? I’m convinced that that hurts your feelings.

This, is Kat Stacks.

Kinda, sorta, maybe, why men might cheat.

August 24, 2010 § 7 Comments

“I wish I were a man so I could run around shagging females all day and not have to care about them”

I’m tired of having to explain to people that most men don’t do this, they’re just incredibly skilled at making it look like it’s what they’re doing. I say this because it has been brought to my attention that men are just as susceptible to hurt, rejection and disappointment as women, they’re just better at putting on a brave face and looking like they’re ok. They don’t wear the battle scars they obtain from love and show them off to the world. Nah, they’ve got way too much pride for that and way too much going for them.

Men. It’s a man’s  world, so they say. I couldn’t agree any more, even if I tried. Men seem to be very complex creatures, even more so than women. It must be hard being a man. From a young age, you’re straight-jacketed into thinking and feeling – more so feeling. Young males are not allowed to cry. They’re taught that pain is bad and strength is good. Emotion unnecessary and power essential. “Eat up all your greens, you’ll grow to be big and strong”, “big boys don’t cry – crying is for girls”. Everybody hurts, everybody is susceptible to emotional pain, everybody feels. None of these things disappear without some form of release. So where does it all go? Every day, I sit and observe the emotional baggage lugged around by males evaporate into the air and poison those around them.It shines through in everything they say and do – but it’s most noticeable in the way they treat their female counterparts. Never have I witnessed a bigger double-standard than the one a man assigns a woman. I like to think of relationship desirability factors as Disney Movie extracts. Before you laugh, lemme explain why. Females seem to have it in their heads that men do actually want princesses. They want a beautiful, honest, loyal, submissive and locally respected woman they can show off to the world, that no other man has had and who is loved by everybody. The female assumes that the male’s duty to her is to love and adore her unconditionally, protect her, be sensitive to her feelings, and hold her forever exclusive. The male, on the other hand, feels that he has to be the handsome prince. He feels that he’s expected to be strong-willed and better than the competition. The world has told him that this is his purpose in life.

When a man is faced with a woman he feels strongly about, his pride and what he has been taught, tell him that ‘men aren’t weak, emotional creatures’. Immediately, there’s conflict, because the women’s insecurities and need to to be loved tell her that, in the relationship, her emotions are of utmost importance and any man that is not sensitive to how she feels, doesn’t really care about her at all. This causes her to act irrationally and ‘punish’ him, for something he hasn’t actually done.  Now, when a man enters a relationship with a woman. It’s usually because deep-down he does see a future with her. It seems that males dislike to give an unsuitable female the satisfaction of having status, so I’ll take it from them, that they’ve got this part right, it’s us women who haven’t. While in the process of getting to know each other, the female will often display all of the qualities she THINKS the man is looking for. She’ll paint a perfect picture of herself as a strong, emotionally stable and independent woman. She knows that most men run at the first sign of emotional insecurity, so she puts her complaints and problems on a leash, or relays them safely to her friends.  When the man feels he is ready to enter this relationship, he knows what is expected of him and, because men are human beings with feelings too, may start to question his worth as he grows more and more attached to the female. The more good he sees in her, keeps him on his toes, wondering how she’s feeling about him and if he measures up to her goodness. Now remember those issues she had with the man all along, but ran and told her friends instead, so she wouldn’t scare him off at the first sign of trouble? The is where she turns to him and hurls them directly at him. She knows she’s safe now and that he is emotionally tied to her. She knows that he can’t just get up and walk away. The more and more she moans about how ‘insensitive he is’, and everytime she shouts, screams and reinforces her distrust in him, he questions his value to her. How can he kick his pride aside and show non-stop love and affection to someone who likes to kick him in the balls as much as she does? I think maybe even a small part of him, the part that wonders if he’s actually good enough for her, worries that she’s getting what she wants elsewhere and I believe this is the part that motivates him to cheat. Even if his partner does VERY little of the above and never complains, I believe that his experiences with previous women teach him that women ALWAYS complain. Again, if she isn’t complaining, he assumes she is content and getting what she wants elsewhere.

I don’t believe that men cheat because ‘they don’t care’. I believe that men cheat because they care too much. Women cheat because they don’t care, men don’t. It’s hard to accept the fact that someone who expresses all the time, that they expect perfection, doesn’t seem to think that you measure up to what they wanted and I think this is what a lot of women do and don’t realise they’re doing it, when they’re communicating with their partners. They’re so wrapped up in feeling loved and accepted themselves that they forget to show him the same love and acceptance in return.

When cheating becomes a vicious cycle, I believe that it happens like this. The woman a man usually chooses to cheat with is someone he holds next to no respect for. She’s a quick fix and a short-time ego boost. She leaves him feeling empowered and ‘manly’ again and temporarily elevates his feeling of self-worth. She’s easy to obtain and easy to discard and this is so, so convenient for him. She does what he wants, when he wants and how he wants because she needs his approval just as much as he needs hers. All the while, they are both blisfully unware that male-female relationships come and a price. A hefty emotional one. Everything someone says to you leaves a mark. It taints your soul and stains your character, whether you like it or not. This is often why he discards her.  He compares her to what he has waiting for him at home and runs as far away from her as possible, back to his wife and for a while, is ever so grateful for her. Until, again, the tears start to fall and the shoes start to fly.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I wanna finish by saying that I don’t believe that ‘real men don’t cheat.’ I dont think anyone’s exempt from the possibility of cheating. I believe that  it actually takes a real man to recognise and identify why hes cheated and then to put it right.

On Getting Good Grades

August 24, 2010 § 2 Comments

Grades are always a touchy subject. Especially for those who actually try, do well and would like to share their successes with those around them.  But, they often can’t, because the success is not common and through fear of offending parties who have not done quite as well, they have to keep their mouths shut. Upon receipt of my GCSE and A Level grades, I actually avoided situations where I had to tell friends who I knew wouldn’t have done as well as me my results. It’s because people have a way of making you feel guilty for doing better than them, they have a way of turning your success and the fruits of your labour into sin. It’s not right that it’s like this at all. I’ve had many a human being tell me I think I’m better than them because I’m ‘smarter’ than them. No, you think I’m better than you because I’m ‘smarter’ than you and that makes you bitter. You can probably do one million and one things that I can’t, no one is ‘better than anybody’. However, it is quite evident being smart (academically or otherwise) DOES give you an advantage in life. People have a habit of lashing out when confronted with the truth, because the truth hurts and makes you a bit sore.

I’ve always had quite strong, could say Conservative, views on learning and academic results. I DO believe that good grades and a good education are an essential ingredient to ‘success’. They may not affect your chances of ‘success’ directly, but the fact that they are there, for you to call on them if you may need to makes them next to priceless. It also angers me to know that people claim GCSEs to be ‘nothing but a memory test’. They’re so much more than that.  Fair enough I can barely remember anything I learnt at GCSE, but I know for a fact that the transferable skills I learnt, I probably will be hard-pushed to find anywhere else.

Today is GCSE results day, and I think the fact that people who are supposed to have GCSEs, can’t even spell ‘GCSEs’ probably bothers me the most about the whole state of affairs. Then there are those who think failing is a laugh and a joke; swiftly followed  the   ‘influential figures’ telling their fans on Twitter and Facebook  not to worry if they don’t perform so well in their GCSEs, there are other paths to success. I think that sending out such a misleading message is disgusting. Yes there are alternative routes, but not everybody wants to sing, dance or kick ball across a pitch for a living. ‘Oh but Richard Branson and Bill Gates left school without any official qualifications’ you might tell me. Firstly, you need money to start up a business. If you’re willing to scrub toilets for a good number of years to gross your start–up capital, fair play to you, but not even McDonald’s or H&M will take you without at least a C grade maths GCSE. Also, in case you haven’t noticed, the examples of ‘successful school dropouts’ people like to throw around to defend their slackness, is not proportionately representative of the of the ratio of successful dropouts to unsuccessful ones in the WORLD. Richard and Bill are two lucky guys out of about 6 billion, so go figure. It’s as if people think they’re Disney Channel Kids and are automatically entitled to millions. Who lied to you? I’m not even speaking as if I’ve consistently attained perfect grades , because I haven’t. I started off that way and since school, have slipped here and there, but I don’t cover it up and I don’t make stupid excuses and most importantly, the people in my life that are supposed to care don’t fill me with false hope by telling me ‘it’s okay, things will be fine anyway’. No one’s saying you have to be hitting A grades, but at least grab your Cs and leave. At least try for national average.

It’s quite common for me to hear people say that if all else fails and they don’t do so well academically, not because they CAN’T but because they simply can’t be bothered, that they’ll focus all their efforts into finding an alternative way to earn a living. I just look at them with despair, because these are often the same people with no interests, no long-term goals and no passions. What I want to say to them is, darling, you don’t even have the strength to get out of bed every morning to attend school every day for 5 years because you WANT to, not because you have to, and you don’t have the drive to actually make an effort when researching for and writing up your assignments, which basically come with fool-proof instructions anyway, what makes you think your character is going to be strong enough for what life has to throw at you when you’re finally cast out into the real, working world, where help is a scarce resource and support is hardly anywhere to be found? Maybe I should, huh? Because it’s becoming increasingly evident, that somewhere down the line people’s perceptions of reality have become distorted. I hear young boys talking about the BMWs they’re going to buy and customise (god knows how) before they’re even got a pass grade to their name. It’s an insult to those who take the climb to success seriously, and play fairly.

As a uni student, I’m regularly faced with stories of post-graduates and PhD graduates struggling to find work and having to work amongst high school leavers at the checkouts in Sainsbury’s, so as you can probably imagine, it sickens me to know that people think they can sail through school, laugh and joke their way through college (if applicable) and throw two fingers up to the world and tell them they’re going to be successful anyway, like it’s that easy. It’s not easy and it’s not a joke. Those were probably the most valuable years of your life, a chance to focus all your efforts on securing your future, without having to worry about paying any bills, juggling any jobs or burping any babies and you took them for a joke. £100 every two week of state handouts probably isn’t that funny either.

A Woman’s Worth

March 7, 2010 § 8 Comments

“A real man knows a real woman when he sees her..”

I know I’ve abandoned this blog for a while and those that read it (if such a thing exists), I finally have something to write about.

Anyone that knows me (well, not even some of those) will know that I absolutely thrive on negativity. Now, those that are reading this and do know me will probably find this a little strange because I am such a negative person – but believe me – secretly, in a twisted way that I cannot explain – it keeps me going.

Anyway, I thought I’d use this opportunity to write about why 99% of women choose to give the wrong ‘type’ of male the time of day, spend most of their lives hopping from one of them to the next and inevitably die believing that there were never any ‘good’ men on the planet.

Now, the first thing you need to do if you are one of the above, are set out to be one of the above orrrrr even want to prevent yourself from being one of the above is to look at you. I know you’ve probably heard this a million times before but do you love you? Do you realize your self worth yet? Because if you don’t realise how much you’re worth, how can you blame anyone else for treating you any less than you deserve?

A lot of the time, females allow themselves to be treated like crap for so long because they do not realise their self worths, and then complain when they are treated with less respect than they feel they should be treated with – still not knowing their self worths. If you are one of these people – let me tell you this. No one in this world owes you anything but the most basic of basic manners and your own personal space. You cannot condemn a man for treating you less than you feel you should be treated – when you are not doing anything that shows him otherwise, and until he sees this – he owes you nothing. The fact that you simply are ‘a woman’ has nothing to do with anything. Every human has the capacity to love – some are just waiting for someone very special before it happens and can you blame them? Look at yourself and tell me this:

Is this not exactly what you, yourself are doing? Ask yourself, ‘what am I doing that makes me stand out from every other woman out there (and if you haven’t already, read my ‘you’re beautiful’ post for more on this.)

Looking at it scientifically, in the animal kingdom, the female AND male of the species will usually spend the months prior to the mating season observing all of the members of the opposite sex and choosing the one that stands out from the rest to mate with. What are YOU doing that makes you different to every other female this guy can mate with?

Females often have very specific and sometimes unrealistic requirements when asked about the sort of male they would like to marry and spend the rest of their lives with – many putting emphasis on wealth, look and social status, when many of these females don’t even meet these requirements themselves. Think about the male you are striving to marry and have children with and ask yourself, if he wanted the exact same things in a female – could you meet those requirements?

One of the main reasons a female will cheat, or even lose interest in her partner is  because he didn’t quite meet all of her requirements, but she thought she could change and mould him into exactly what she wants this, nine times out of ten, does not happen and she winds up feeling bitter, resentlful towards him and disappointed – or she cheats on him, and leaves him for someone, thinking she can mould this new person  as well and it all turns into a vicious cycle.

Never go into a relationship with plans to change or ‘tweak’ a man, if he isn’t what you want from the very beginning, leave him be. He will be perfect for somebody else.

If you can’t even be courteous as to be, yourself, the person you want to be  with,can you blame your partner for discovering this and not giving you the time of day – like you would to him? This, however is just the start of the problems.

What happens next is, because the female has not yet realized her self worth, she settles for someone that wouldn’t deserve her , had she yet discovered what she is worth. This male normally has a ‘fake status’, appears to be everything she want from a distance but reality soon kicks in and she’s unhappy and in an unfulfilling relationship. he usually ticks one of the materialistic boxes but cheats, lies and denies her self worth and he gets away with it, because not even she know exactly how much she is worth yet and all this time, she is longing to be with the man she is slowly but surely realising she deserves to be with. When she eventually realises, she either cheats with him or leaves her current boyfriend/husband for this ‘good’ guy but makes one mistake – and it’s a big one. She takes all of the negative experiences with her from the relationship with the ‘bad’ guy and automatically atributes them to the good guy – it’s almost as if, due to her past bad experiences – he is too good to be true. Again, she starts to deny what she is really worth. She begins to take his kindness for weakness or even fakeness and can’t really relate to any of it, because she still does not realise that this is the way she deserves to be treated.

What usually happens is that she grows bored of the man that believes in her and treats her with respect and longs to be with on of the bad guys. When asked, a female will often tell you that she is attracted to these ‘bad’ guys because they excite her, and to this day, no one knows why.

Why do this to yourselves? You complain when you’re with a man that doesn’t treat you right, isn’t emotionally deep, doesn’t adore you, make you laugh, make his priority, hasn’t got a good job, isn’t well educated and you (sometimes) do something to fix this and leave him, but when someone that fits the above comes along- he’s too boring for you. If you don’t even meet these requirements yourself, stop looking for love and spend time making sure you do meet them! That way, you will attract like minded people. It’s always been said that in our partners we see ourselves.

You’ve got to stop blaming these ‘bad’ guys for your own problems and mistakes. And most importantly, all of this could be prevented if you just took the time to find and love yourselves before you search for love, otherwise, the only thing that’s going to find you, is someone that’s looking for an easy ride.

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